WHAT I OWE MY MOTHER....too funny!

This was sent to me in an email, source unknown. I have modified parts of it to ring true growing up with my mother. Some are not exactly true. However, never let the truth get in the way for a good story. Like many of us I am sure you will find a few of there that are YOUR Mum! I am sorry about the smart aleck retorts in bracket but some of the following just needed to be challenged….especially now that Pammy is not in earshot! Phew!

WHAT I OWE MY MOTHER: 
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you 're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

            (Every Saturday morning Mum would do a huge sweep. Anything left on the floor would be swept into a pile and placed into the trailer ready for the tip. Reading glasses, books, clothing, school work….EVERYTHING!)

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'   

(God, I can remember when Mum’s tax cheque bought new SEMI-SHAG pile carpet – hues of sand, green and cream swirls - in the lounge room. Initially we were not allowed to eat in there. I would rather be dead that to have to report to her that I mad a meson the carpet).
 
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL 
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
            (Yep…..we heard this one often).

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
'Because I said so, that’s why.'
            (An oldie but a goodie – especially when asking why we were not allowed to go somewhere)

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5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall off that trampoline and break your neck, you'll be sorry.'
            (I always wanted to say….. “Probably, but you will be shitting your pants if it happened!”

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.'

            (Ironic that My Nana was in a car accident, and her first words to the Ambulance driver was “Thank God I have on clean underwear).

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
            (Yep…heard that one too!)

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your dinner. '
            (Funny how times have changed,,,, our dinner mantra was “SIT UP, EAT UP and SHUT UP”….Oh the art of family conversations, lol)

 
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM ..
'Look at that dirt on the back of your neck! Look how dirty your ears are!'
 
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA 
'You'll sit there until all of those vegetable are eaten.'
            (Use to love watching my sister sit there with cold vegetables….while I bounced on the trampoline outside the dining room window. HA!)

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER ..
'This room of yours looks as if a cyclone went through it.'
            (Nah, just another fart!)

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY 
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
 
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
 
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
            (OUCH!)

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'  

(Then why were there times as a child I wanted to live with the neighbours?)

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until your father gets home.'
            (Why is he bringing fish and chips?)

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
            (What? Chocolate?)

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don 't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'
            (Bull dust!)

19. My mother taught me ESP .
'Go and put a jumper on – you must be cold.'
            (Well if it wasn’t a light blue hand knitted polo neck jumper with freaking dark blue camels going across the front I probably would put one on! – Ha my mother taught me about camel toes…..too funny)

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR .
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
            (S*^# I hope I don’t get blood on the carpet)

 
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
            (Dad did!)

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your bloody father.'
            (Double OUCH) 
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent?'

(NOPE, a hospital with sliding doors!)
 
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand. '
            (I WILL NEVER BE THAT AGE….NEVER!)

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.'

(Dogs are better behaved than kids) 

26. My mother taught me about CONFUSION  – rhetorical or not?

'You have always got to have the last word. Don’t you?' and

'Do you want a smack?'

            (Hell Yeah!)

27. My mother taught me about SEXUAL INTRIGUE  

'Get in and clean up your room, it looks like a brothel.'

(How would you know what the inside of one looks like?)

 
28. My mother taught me about TOUGH LOVE  

' It is only a small flesh wound, get up – you are not dying!'

            (Flesh wound my arse…I can see bone!)

28. My mother taught me about FEAR  

'You will go blind!'

(Ummmm Nope, another furffy!)

'You will get hairy palms!'

(Nice…she knows it is a two handed job)